That Time I Compiled the Don’ts for a Great Customer Service Experience

Went shopping today? Was the salesperson unfriendly? For the next time, bear in mind the following easy suggestions and I promise, the salesperson will mean it when she says “have a nice day” and not curse you out later on, no really!

  • Don’t eat in the store! I cannot believe this has to be said but I have had people touching merchandise while eating: cake, burgers, hotdogs, ice cream, strawberries, any baked goods, French fries, candy etc. Bonus points for bringing coffee, Cola, wine or any drink without a lid.
  • Don’t ask me to hold any of your food or drinks while you browse for things, I am not a human trashcan.
  • Don’t tell me “I bought something here x time ago, I can eat/drink/yell as much as I want to”. Buying a 10 Euro umbrella 3 years ago does not qualify you to acceptable-douche status.
  • Speaking of yelling, DON’T. I do not care if you are upset about me having to refuse to repair your 8 year old backpack for free or us not having a bathroom for customers. Do not yell at me. I get it, you are upset and you want to share it with me and the world but it won’t solve anything and will ruin everyone’s mood.
  • Don’t sit on the merchandise. Feel free to sit on 500 Euros worth of items at home. The next person does not want to buy a handbag that looks like it has been sat on! Bonus points for telling me you have had a long and tough day shopping, yeah..not as tough as mine, buddy.
  • Don’t wear sunglasses indoors when speaking to me. Unless you are Ray Charles or severely hungover, you look like a douche. The amount of rich couples where neither takes off their sunnies is astounding.
  • Don’t snap to get my attention, don’t yell “eh eh eh” to get my attention and don’t yell across the store “I want YOU to assist (tell me the price of this or get that thing) me RIGHT NOW because I am busy and if you don’t drop everything I will never shop here again. No amount of yelling will make me able to clone myself.

  • Don’t think I have never heard the line “oh there is no price tag on this, guess it is free hehehehe”.
  • Don’t tell me that I am physically or mentally incapable of doing something just because I am a salesperson. I might not know how large the suitcase has to be to fit on your yacht, but if you are not satisfied with the way I gift wrapped your on-sale wallet on a busy Saturday, do it yourself and stop giving me tips/telling me to do it again.
  • Don’t let your children play with the merchandise. I don’t blame the kids but the parents, if your child is ramming a 500 Euro suitcase into a table or putting wallets in his or her mouth and you don’t react, that is not cool. And if I politely say something and you a) say: don’t do it honey, without even turning around from your chat with your boyfriend/girlfriends or b) tell me to not talk to your children while they still keep destroying stuff… not cool!
  • Don’t complain about the wallet you bought 15 years ago being much more expensive now than it was then. I am not responsible for the economy.
  • Speaking of expensive stuff, don’t rant to me for 5 minutes about the “outrageous and bullshit prices”. Stop spreading negative energy buddy, I cannot afford to shop there either. Also, I cannot give you a discount, I am a poor student with cheap shoes in an upscale store on a Saturday- do I really seem like the one in charge of pricing?
  • Don’t cut the queue and don’t start talking to me while another customer is talking! I am working the cash register as fast as humanly possible, so if the other people where here before you and you do not have a bleeding gunshot wound, wait your turn and I promise to smile and be friendly.
  • Don’t be so impatient while at the same time asking for outrageous things. I am sorry that we don’t sell flashlights or nail clippers for men and don’t get bitchy if I do not know where you can get them in the city. AND do not tell me that it is basic knowledge.  Trying my best here.
  • Don’t tell me to hand you the bag that is right in front of you, or tell me to open the zipper for you, then tell me this is the ugliest bag you have ever seen etc. I will stand there and I will smile. I know you have had a privileged life but you come of like a douche.
  • If it is raining heavily outside and I politely ask you to put your umbrella in a special umbrella stand, don’t get angry or refuse on the grounds that “we should just mop it up”. After a few hundred customers with muddy shoes and soaking wet umbrellas, the whole store is slippery and disgusting, and you are a douche.
  • Don’t come in 7 minutes before closing time (perfectly aware of when closing time is) and stay for 30 minutes browsing. Would you do that in someone’s office?! Bonus points for getting upset if we remind you that the store is closed. Double points if you say “relax sweetie, I’ll buy something eventually”.

Oh well, I could keep going but you get the idea. If you are one of the nice customers, have some understanding for the salesperson, she probably encountered all of the above kind of behavior just before you entered the place. Btw Christmas shopping-time will happen sooner rather than later, so let us all learn to make shopping an enjoyable experience or be strangled by wrapping paper. Your choice.

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