The art of saying goodbye

Leaving is never easy, or at least i hope other people do find it as difficult as i do otherwise this post might be a tad awkward.

I have been very fortunate to live in some great places in the last few years, anything from Norway to Greece. Now, after finishing my degree in June it is time to leave Glasgow, Scotland after quite a few years of primary residence…and man, it is hard! Is it breaking my heart? No. Would it be fun and somewhat challenging to stay here? Sure. Can i see myself here in 10 years? NO. Am i just keen on staying here cause i have grown accustomed to the city, i know how everything works, where everything is, i know there is always someone i can call, i have a roof over my head and enough money to put food on the table. Is that a tempting prospect for the next few years? Yes! Are those the reasons why i would stay? I believe so..

I used to be horrible at saying goodbye. I always thought it was the end of the world and that i would never see these people again. I think the reason behind it was that i was not happy in my everyday life so time spent with friends gave me the joy that overshadowed any doubts i might have had about not actually spending my time doing things that would make me happy, and getting rid of situations and people that did not.

After having done the same routine a few times: arriving somewhere staying for less than a  a year and leaving again, goodbye parties and welcome parties and everything in between, i can say..the shizzle has gotten a bit tiresome, or maybe i have just gotten more cynical? No matter how many times people proclaim friendships and promise to keep in touch and then do, it just is not the same! You share a situation and a geographical location and are thrown together because of them, somehow this creates very intense friendships for a very limited time, they usually end at airports, train or bus stations. Of course one can always say that if you want to you will see your friends again and with Easyjet you probably will but it is more of a courtesy business arrangement than a tearful friendship session. You meet up and reminisce about old times, you ask about the other person´s life, shake hands with their friends. You know they will let you sleep on their couch and you will do the same but that is more for old times sake then any real role you play in the persons life at that very moment.

During the last 6 years i have mostly 3 types of people, none of whom i could truly relate to.

Type 1: the local. While friendly and open minded, the truth is i am an intruder in their life, in their surrounding. We are part of each other´s life as long as i am part of his/her. A lot of them are so nice they want to create this awesome experience around my stay in their country, an experience that is not authentic to that country and culture. And once i leave, they watch me exist, they leave behind and that is good because it is their life and they will always have their own but it will never be mine.

Type 2: the dabbler. People who go abroad either to get away from family, to further their education or just to have a fun break from everyday life. That people sound amazing, right? No. The reason is that they are never really there. They go home for every holiday and once a month to see the boyfriend or girlfriend. They do not try to integrate and truly experience a new culture. They take the role of a spectator from the outside, someone at a Swedish buffet who tries a bit of everything foreign, leaves half and discusses their dislike about the rest with their childhood friend. They want to go crazy partying and make memories and that is their prerogative but not my goal. Plus, a lot of them often judge me for not living like they do. What do you mean you have not been “home” in 3+ years?! Or maybe i am judging myself. Maybe they make me feel weird for not going and not having Estonian people visiting every month.

Type 3: crazy backpackers. Their home is where the heart is, they want to go everywhere and see everything and are truly happy doing so. Life is an experience, an adventure and they truly live by that conviction. No ties, no troubles, just living and creating memories. I sometimes envy these people, they seem so free and so happy, loneliness and insecurities about the future don´t seem to faze them.

I am none of these 3 and i have not really found many people who live their life the way i do. As said, it is very much possible that life has made me more cynical then i was to begin with. The trouble with saying goodbye is that it a bitch! So i have noticed that instead of hurting and crying like i used to, i just stopped caring a bit. I don´t bother getting attached to people in the first place as they will leave and i will leave, so what is the point. I will rather be a lone wolf then bother. Sometimes i think this is said since i miss out on great people and situations just cause i am scared of being hurt. The irony of rather being lonely than fearing pain for being left all alone. Maybe this just something i have to go through to be ready for letting people in in the future?

I can imagine someone reading this and thinking bitch please, i am bored in an office and you are complaining. Well, there really is noone forcing me to live this lifestyle. The thing is thought that all the places i have stayed at and all the things that i have done…not a single one of them was a dream of mine, nor did i do them as steps on a ladder towards some final goal or general careers ambitions. They have all just kind of..happened, life has kind of happened. Therefore, the solution to all my problems would be to settle down and develop roots somewhere, anywhere! But i do not know where?!


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